The The Impotence of Proofreading

Taylor Mali

Taylor Mali

Now, this is by Taylor Mali, whom I adore, but I’ve also heard Shane Koyczan do it at the Surrey International Writer’s Conference. Shane is my homeboy, and he has a terrific way of making you immediately assume the dirtiest of any possible two meanings. It’s a gift I wish more men had.

So here’s the terrific, hilarious, and unforgettable spoken word piece, The The Impotence of Proofreading:

and all the words, from Taylor Mali’s site
(where he’s got some of his best stuff posted)

The the impotence of proofreading
By Taylor Mali
http://www.taylormali.com

Has this ever happened to you?
You work very horde on a paper for English clash
And then get a very glow raid (like a D or even a D=)
and all because you are the word¹s liverwurst spoiler.
Proofreading your peppers is a matter of the the utmost impotence.

This is a problem that affects manly, manly students.
I myself was such a bed spiller once upon a term
that my English teacher in my sophomoric year,
Mrs. Myth, said I would never get into a good colleague.
And that¹s all I wanted, just to get into a good colleague.
Not just anal community colleague,
because I wouldn¹t be happy at anal community colleague.
I needed a place that would offer me intellectual simulation,
I really need to be challenged, challenged menstrually.
I know this makes me sound like a stereo,
but I really wanted to go to an ivory legal colleague.
So I needed to improvement
or gone would be my dream of going to Harvard, Jail, or Prison
(in Prison, New Jersey).

So I got myself a spell checker
and figured I was on Sleazy Street.

But there are several missed aches
that a spell chukker can¹t can¹t catch catch.
For instant, if you accidentally leave a word
your spell exchequer won¹t put it in you.
And God for billing purposes only
you should have serial problems with Tori Spelling
your spell Chekhov might replace a word
with one you had absolutely no detention of using.
Because what do you want it to douch?
It only does what you tell it to douche.
You¹re the one with your hand on the mouth going clit, clit, clit.
It just goes to show you how embargo
one careless clit of the mouth can be.

Which reminds me of this one time during my Junior Mint.
The teacher read my entire paper on A Sale of Two Titties
out loud to all of my assmates.
I¹m not joking, I¹m totally cereal.
It was the most humidifying experience of my life,
being laughed at pubically.

So do yourself a flavor and follow these two Pisces of advice:
One: There is no prostitute for careful editing.
And three: When it comes to proofreading,
the red penis your friend.

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Three Blocks West of Wonderland is Released!

Heather Haley is one of BC’s poetical treasures. Here’s the info about her new book Three Blocks West of Wonderland (which I plain swiped off Facebook).

Three Blocks West of Wonderland

Three Blocks West of Wonderland

You can also download the Three Blocks West of Wonderland MP3

Haley’s poetry shakes and stirs, knocks and shocks

Heather Susan Haley, Three Blocks West of Wonderland, Ekstasis Editions

Vancouver, BC, Dec. 7, 2009 —Trailblazing poet, author, musician and media artist Heather Susan Haley’s new book, Three Blocks West of Wonderland, has hit the streets just in time for the holidays.

“Fierce, racy, full of stiletto irony, verve — yet rife with sensitivity. Three Blocks West of Wonderland is a highly fuelled poetic ride. Her LA, southern B.C. coast, energy-haunted world draws you electrically in and does not let you go. Like the subject of one of the elegies in this collection, Haley stirs, provokes the atmosphere.” – Author Russell Thornton,The Human Shore, House Built of Rain, Harbour Publishing.

Haley has been actively involved in her art for over a decade and has gained renown as an engaging performer and media artist; she is the author of a previous collection, Sideways (Anvil Press), Haley’s poetry has been selected for inclusion in numerous prestigious journals and anthologies including last year’s Verse Map of Vancouver.

Haley has been an editor for LA Weekly and publisher of Rattler and the Edgewise Café, one of Canada’s first electronic literary magazines. Founder of the Edgewise ElectroLit Centre and the Vancouver Videopoem Festival, her works have been official selections at dozens of international film festivals and she has shared her poetry and music with audiences around the world. Most recently she toured eastern Canada and the U.S. in support of her critically acclaimed AURAL Heather CD of spoken word songs, Princess Nut.

Much of Three Blocks West of Wonderland was written during her stint as artist in residence at the Banff Arts Centre and features place and travel poems alluding to post 9/11 angst and guilt here in our ‘safe’ zone.

Poet Laureate George McWhirter: “If you are a Rambling girl who wants to shirk and shake her motherland, read this jitters and jive guide to the other side of Canada and the world. Fads and fears take Air Canada wing (or Westjet’s). Sights seen turn into fables and metaphors, quirks of speech and character galore. As to the body of the language, the Canadian straightjacket lies like an old pair of stays on the stage in this diction stripper’s act. But there is a serious restlessness to Heather Haley’s serial observations — in the tradition of that great Canadian traveller in poetry, Ralph Gustafson’s: adagio notations, like his, on everything she sees and feels and musically reveals.”

Author Allan Briesmaster: “Rambunctious, relentlessly witty, visceral and vital, these poems move like a tilt-a-whirl and rollercoaster combined. Haley’s gallery of warts-and-all character studies and her portfolio of no-holds-barred travelogues bustle and bristle with forceful gestures, jolting details, and electric perceptions. Through them all, an indomitable spirit emerges: one that has taken its share of knocks and shocks and boldly prevails.”

# # #

For an interview with Heather Haley, please contact:

Heather Susan Haley
604-947-9386 • hshaley@emspace.com
http://www.heatherhaley.com

Order directly from the publisher at http://www.ekstasiseditions.com

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A BENEFIT FOR POET MARC CREAMORE

Got this via Facebook. Sounds like a terrific event and a good cause.

As a born socialist and also a Canadian who’s had cancer, I’d like to let you know that no, BC Medical does not cover all your costs. In fact, for many long months I was on an immune system booster that cost $1700 an injection, and had to be taken twice a month; it was not covered until my life savings had been eaten up completely and I was forced onto medical welfare. Even ambulance rides are no longer covered, remember. And when you are ill and in treatment, there are many small things, like neck pillows, special meals, and support services, that can make all the difference between enduring and living.

$20 for poetry, community, a good time, a burger and a beer. Can’t beat that with a shoplifted copy of On the Road. Geddit?

Cottage Bistro by berglind_hafsteinsdottir

Cottage Bistro by berglind_hafsteinsdottir

Wednesday Nov 25th
Pandora’s Collective Presents
A BENEFIT FOR FELLOW POET MARC CREAMORE
Pandora’s Collective and folks in the poetry and music community are holding a Benefit for our friend Marc Creamore, who is battling lung cancer. Marc has been an active part of Vancouver ‘s poetry community for many years. Join us in support of Marc and his family at this evening of poetry, music, spoken word and shared memories.

Tickets: $20 at the door includes entertainment, a burger with fries and beer. After costs, all proceeds go directly to Marc and his family.
There will also be door prizes, and Marc’s published poetry books will be available for sale.

6:00-6:30 Brief Introductions by Bonnie Nish and Ruth Kozak followed by
Poetry and ♫♫ David Campbell
6:30-7:00 Spoken Word Al Mader The Minimalist Jug Band
7:00 – 7:30 ♫♫ Jess Hill
7:30 -7:45 Spoken Word CJ Leon
7:45- 8:15 Spoken Word and Poetry Steve Duncan and Diane Laloge
8:15-9:00 ♫♫ Sandy Bone
9:00- 9:30 Open Mic
9:30-9:45 Spoken Word & ♫♫ CR Avery
9:45-10:15 Poetry Daniela Elza and Robin Susanto
10:15-10:45 ♫♫ Hi-Rise Dex (Kempton Dexter)
10:45-11:15 Spoken Word Bill McNamara and RC Weslowski
11:15-12:00 Open Mic Closing Words.

There will be an open mike for poets and friends to share their words with Marc.
Time: 6 – 12pm
Location: The Cottage Bistro
4468 Main Street @ 29th Avenue
Hosts: Bonnie Nish and Ruth K ozak
RSVP if possible
Contact: blinsh_pandoras AT yahoo DOT ca
www.pandorascollective.com

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