and while you’re at it, get me Michael Lewis’ phone number

No, I’m serious: Get me Michael Lewis‘ phone number!

If you ask me (and I don’t believe you did, but you might and I’m servicey like that, so here’s your answer in advance) not enough writers are the object of gratuitous sexual objectification, and here I speak, of course, not only of myself but of others as well.

Harold Bloom, for instance.

But one man, it seems, has achieved this dream, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer sci-fi-er: Ray Bradbury is the subject of this lusty, Silvermanesque ditty, unambiguously entitled “Fuck Me, Ray Bradbury.”

And the lyrics of the tune every high school book club is going to want to perform at the Assembly:

Steve called me up and said: “Wanna hang out tonight?”

We could see an indie film or just grab a bite

I said: “Oh, Steve, YOU’RE cute, but a MOVIE’S not what I need. No offense, BUT I’d rather stay home and read.”

F-ck Me, Ray Bradbury

The greatest Sci-Fi writer in history

Oh F-ck Me, Ray Bradbury

Since I was twelve I’ve been your number one fan

“Kiss me, you ILLUSTRATED MAN.”

I’ll feed you grapes and Dandelion Wine

And we’ll read a little Fahrenheit 69

You’re a Prolific Author, Ray Bradbury

Come on baby, I’m down on one knee

I carved our names on a Halloween tree

You write about earthlings going to Mars

And I write about blowin you in my car

You won an Emmy AWARD for the screen play adaptation of Halloween Tree

F-ck Me, Ray Bradbury

The greatest Sci-Fi writer in history

Oh F-ck Me, F-ck Me Ray Bradbury

S is for space

L is for love

S is for space

L is for loveee

S is for space

L is for love

S is for space

L is for loveeeeeeeee

Houston we have a throb-blem

F-ck Me, Ray Bradbury

The greatest Sci-Fi writer in history

Oh F-ck Me, (F-ck Me) Ray Bradbury

Oh oh oh

F-ck Me, Ray Bradbury (f-ck me)

The greatest Sci-Fi writer in history

Cause when you f-ck me

Ray Bradbury

Something Wicked This Way Will Come

Something Wicked This Way Will Come

Something Wicked This Way Will Come

Something Wicked This Way Will Come

And by come, I mean ejaculate on a book.

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