Desperately. Futilely. Endlessly.
The Daily Print
MY tips on blogging include ASK FOR MONEY
Today we feature a Comment of the Day worthy of being stolen and reposted, again and again (attribution, please, and that means linkie!). It is, of course, my own comment, and it was sparked on Gawker by someone who writes for the Huffington Post complaining that, far from all the hype about “prestige” and “exposure,” writing for the Huffington Post can’t even get her a temp job.
@mimigoliath: Working for the HuffPo just screams “My stuff has zero market value.” I mean for god’s sake, have some pride.
Okay, sorry. The harshness shouldn’t be directed at you, it should be directed at that protean, malevolent slavedriver who runs the place. The Guardian doesn’t pay Comment is Free contributors either.
These are not literary journals. They are blogs with ads on them, making somebody rich.
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Taylor Mali
Now, this is by Taylor Mali, whom I adore, but I’ve also heard Shane Koyczan do it at the Surrey International Writer’s Conference. Shane is my homeboy, and he has a terrific way of making you immediately assume the dirtiest of any possible two meanings. It’s a gift I wish more men had.
So here’s the terrific, hilarious, and unforgettable spoken word piece, The The Impotence of Proofreading:
and all the words, from Taylor Mali’s site
(where he’s got some of his best stuff posted)
The the impotence of proofreading
By Taylor Mali
http://www.taylormali.com
Has this ever happened to you?
You work very horde on a paper for English clash
And then get a very glow raid (like a D or even a D=)
and all because you are the word¹s liverwurst spoiler.
Proofreading your peppers is a matter of the the utmost impotence.
This is a problem that affects manly, manly students.
I myself was such a bed spiller once upon a term
that my English teacher in my sophomoric year,
Mrs. Myth, said I would never get into a good colleague.
And that¹s all I wanted, just to get into a good colleague.
Not just anal community colleague,
because I wouldn¹t be happy at anal community colleague.
I needed a place that would offer me intellectual simulation,
I really need to be challenged, challenged menstrually.
I know this makes me sound like a stereo,
but I really wanted to go to an ivory legal colleague.
So I needed to improvement
or gone would be my dream of going to Harvard, Jail, or Prison
(in Prison, New Jersey).
So I got myself a spell checker
and figured I was on Sleazy Street.
But there are several missed aches
that a spell chukker can¹t can¹t catch catch.
For instant, if you accidentally leave a word
your spell exchequer won¹t put it in you.
And God for billing purposes only
you should have serial problems with Tori Spelling
your spell Chekhov might replace a word
with one you had absolutely no detention of using.
Because what do you want it to douch?
It only does what you tell it to douche.
You¹re the one with your hand on the mouth going clit, clit, clit.
It just goes to show you how embargo
one careless clit of the mouth can be.
Which reminds me of this one time during my Junior Mint.
The teacher read my entire paper on A Sale of Two Titties
out loud to all of my assmates.
I¹m not joking, I¹m totally cereal.
It was the most humidifying experience of my life,
being laughed at pubically.
So do yourself a flavor and follow these two Pisces of advice:
One: There is no prostitute for careful editing.
And three: When it comes to proofreading,
the red penis your friend.
Heather Haley is one of BC’s poetical treasures. Here’s the info about her new book Three Blocks West of Wonderland
Three Blocks West of Wonderland
You can also download the Three Blocks West of Wonderland MP3
Haley’s poetry shakes and stirs, knocks and shocks
Heather Susan Haley, Three Blocks West of Wonderland, Ekstasis Editions
Vancouver, BC, Dec. 7, 2009 —Trailblazing poet, author, musician and media artist Heather Susan Haley’s new book, Three Blocks West of Wonderland, has hit the streets just in time for the holidays.
“Fierce, racy, full of stiletto irony, verve — yet rife with sensitivity. Three Blocks West of Wonderland is a highly fuelled poetic ride. Her LA, southern B.C. coast, energy-haunted world draws you electrically in and does not let you go. Like the subject of one of the elegies in this collection, Haley stirs, provokes the atmosphere.” – Author Russell Thornton,The Human Shore, House Built of Rain, Harbour Publishing.
Haley has been actively involved in her art for over a decade and has gained renown as an engaging performer and media artist; she is the author of a previous collection, Sideways (Anvil Press), Haley’s poetry has been selected for inclusion in numerous prestigious journals and anthologies including last year’s Verse Map of Vancouver.
Haley has been an editor for LA Weekly and publisher of Rattler and the Edgewise Café, one of Canada’s first electronic literary magazines. Founder of the Edgewise ElectroLit Centre and the Vancouver Videopoem Festival, her works have been official selections at dozens of international film festivals and she has shared her poetry and music with audiences around the world. Most recently she toured eastern Canada and the U.S. in support of her critically acclaimed AURAL Heather CD of spoken word songs, Princess Nut.
Much of Three Blocks West of Wonderland was written during her stint as artist in residence at the Banff Arts Centre and features place and travel poems alluding to post 9/11 angst and guilt here in our ‘safe’ zone.
Poet Laureate George McWhirter: “If you are a Rambling girl who wants to shirk and shake her motherland, read this jitters and jive guide to the other side of Canada and the world. Fads and fears take Air Canada wing (or Westjet’s). Sights seen turn into fables and metaphors, quirks of speech and character galore. As to the body of the language, the Canadian straightjacket lies like an old pair of stays on the stage in this diction stripper’s act. But there is a serious restlessness to Heather Haley’s serial observations — in the tradition of that great Canadian traveller in poetry, Ralph Gustafson’s: adagio notations, like his, on everything she sees and feels and musically reveals.”
Author Allan Briesmaster: “Rambunctious, relentlessly witty, visceral and vital, these poems move like a tilt-a-whirl and rollercoaster combined. Haley’s gallery of warts-and-all character studies and her portfolio of no-holds-barred travelogues bustle and bristle with forceful gestures, jolting details, and electric perceptions. Through them all, an indomitable spirit emerges: one that has taken its share of knocks and shocks and boldly prevails.”
# # #
For an interview with Heather Haley, please contact:
Heather Susan Haley
604-947-9386 • hshaley@emspace.com
http://www.heatherhaley.comOrder directly from the publisher at http://www.ekstasiseditions.com
It’ll be a dark and stormy night, and all the crew will be gathered in …
the suburbs????
Reading is Sexy back cover
Yes, join Lorraine Murphy, founder, president, and diva of the Shebeen Club along with other Vangroover literati for the launch of the first annual Reading is Sexy Calendar!
From the Facebook invite:
Eat, drink and be merry all in celebration of literacy and the fact that I AM MAKING MY DEBUT IN A CALENDAR!!!! (along with the sizzlingly sexy Monique Trottier, Lori & Richard Yearwood, Patrick Tubajon, Raul Pacheco, Ian A Martin, Rayne, Lorraine Murphy, Mark Leiren-Young, Monica Hamburg and Ian Ferguson). Special thanks to Robert Shaer and Tris Hussey, whose photography has made this calendar a piece of art.
And aside from using this as an excuse to convince my literary buds to peel off the layers for the camera, it was done in the name of literacy. Thats right, we shot this calendar to raise money for The International Dyslexia Association.
So come hang out with us at my favourite wine and cheese bistro, enjoy a drink and some nibblies, get your calendars signed by the models, listen to a few of our authors reading from their works, and for those of you that are a bit more daring, dance the night away with moi.
The event is free and everyone is welcome. The more, the merrier!
Of course there is. More, even, than the chance to rub shoulders (and other body parts, if you play your cards right) with the sexiest writerly types in all of the Wild, Wiled West!
So put on your best literary party duds, whether Baudelairian finery or spoken word funkitude, and join us:
Thursday, 03 December 2009 at 7pm
Gudrun Wine and Cheese Bistro
150-3500 Moncton Street
Steveston, BC
Yes, it’s bus-accessable!
By the way, the super-sexy book I’m reading is a special calf-bound book of whiskies of the world, specially borrowed from the bartender for the occasion. I had a couple of Vanity Fairs in my bag, but they weren’t quite as posh and retro-looking as that book. Also, I highly recommend posing for calendars: the drinks are free!
The Shebeen Club 