@mimigoliath: Working for the HuffPo just screams “My stuff has zero market value.” I mean for god’s sake, have some pride.
Okay, sorry. The harshness shouldn’t be directed at you, it should be directed at that protean, malevolent slavedriver who runs the place. The Guardian doesn’t pay Comment is Free contributors either.
These are not literary journals. They are blogs with ads on them, making somebody rich.
Which brings me back to a point I’m constantly repeating. Blogging is writing.
The going rate for a blog post is, thanks to amateurs and wannabes who will do anything for the almighty god “exposure,” $5. Think of them as the blogosphere equivalent of the rich magazine interns who can work for free while Daddy puts them up in his “spare” apartment in NYC, who are waiting either for the big book deal (corresponds to “make a million off Adsense”) or the MRS degree (equivalent to becoming a WP.com mommyblogger, whining about the “DH” who’s never there because he has to be out making millions to support Mommyblogger). Or perhaps they’re the homeschooling, Oprah-watching, self-improving scrap-booking memoiristes of the blogosphere.
The going rate for a professionally written blog post is about $25-50, on a par with copywriting, because that’s what it is. It’s professional writing.
I don’t need to write for the exposure anymore. On any given weekday, I can put my work in front of 17,000 engaged readers, and Quantcast can back me up on that. And I not long ago turned down someone who wanted me to write “for exposure” on her blog that gets 36 hits a day.
We’ve covered the whole concept of Pay the Writer, haven’t we?
Remember, Freelance isn’t free, and if you desperately just want to get exposure, go to any major intersection in Edmonton this time of year and pull your pants down. It’d be less painful than bleeding to death at $5 per post, and you might get a book deal out of it.
Now, this is by Taylor Mali, whom I adore, but I’ve also heard Shane Koyczan do it at the Surrey International Writer’s Conference. Shane is my homeboy, and he has a terrific way of making you immediately assume the dirtiest of any possible two meanings. It’s a gift I wish more men had.
So here’s the terrific, hilarious, and unforgettable spoken word piece, The The Impotence of Proofreading:
Has this ever happened to you?
You work very horde on a paper for English clash
And then get a very glow raid (like a D or even a D=)
and all because you are the word¹s liverwurst spoiler.
Proofreading your peppers is a matter of the the utmost impotence.
This is a problem that affects manly, manly students.
I myself was such a bed spiller once upon a term
that my English teacher in my sophomoric year,
Mrs. Myth, said I would never get into a good colleague.
And that¹s all I wanted, just to get into a good colleague.
Not just anal community colleague,
because I wouldn¹t be happy at anal community colleague.
I needed a place that would offer me intellectual simulation,
I really need to be challenged, challenged menstrually.
I know this makes me sound like a stereo,
but I really wanted to go to an ivory legal colleague.
So I needed to improvement
or gone would be my dream of going to Harvard, Jail, or Prison
(in Prison, New Jersey).
So I got myself a spell checker
and figured I was on Sleazy Street.
But there are several missed aches
that a spell chukker can¹t can¹t catch catch.
For instant, if you accidentally leave a word
your spell exchequer won¹t put it in you.
And God for billing purposes only
you should have serial problems with Tori Spelling
your spell Chekhov might replace a word
with one you had absolutely no detention of using.
Because what do you want it to douch?
It only does what you tell it to douche.
You¹re the one with your hand on the mouth going clit, clit, clit.
It just goes to show you how embargo
one careless clit of the mouth can be.
Which reminds me of this one time during my Junior Mint.
The teacher read my entire paper on A Sale of Two Titties
out loud to all of my assmates.
I¹m not joking, I¹m totally cereal.
It was the most humidifying experience of my life,
being laughed at pubically.
So do yourself a flavor and follow these two Pisces of advice:
One: There is no prostitute for careful editing.
And three: When it comes to proofreading,
the red penis your friend.
Sure, it’s a meaningless diversion and a cynical commentary on how low print journalism has fallen. But it is also teh ossum. Here’s a compilation video of all the headlines from newspapers featured on the Simpsons. I defy you to tell the difference between these and the Sun/Province any day of the week:
It’ll be a dark and stormy night, and all the crew will be gathered in …
the suburbs????
Reading is Sexy back cover
Yes, join Lorraine Murphy, founder, president, and diva of the Shebeen Club along with other Vangroover literati for the launch of the first annual Reading is Sexy Calendar!
Eat, drink and be merry all in celebration of literacy and the fact that I AM MAKING MY DEBUT IN A CALENDAR!!!! (along with the sizzlingly sexy Monique Trottier, Lori & Richard Yearwood, Patrick Tubajon, Raul Pacheco, Ian A Martin, Rayne, Lorraine Murphy, Mark Leiren-Young, Monica Hamburg and Ian Ferguson). Special thanks to Robert Shaer and Tris Hussey, whose photography has made this calendar a piece of art.
And aside from using this as an excuse to convince my literary buds to peel off the layers for the camera, it was done in the name of literacy. Thats right, we shot this calendar to raise money for The International Dyslexia Association.
So come hang out with us at my favourite wine and cheese bistro, enjoy a drink and some nibblies, get your calendars signed by the models, listen to a few of our authors reading from their works, and for those of you that are a bit more daring, dance the night away with moi.
The event is free and everyone is welcome. The more, the merrier!
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
Of course there is. More, even, than the chance to rub shoulders (and other body parts, if you play your cards right) with the sexiest writerly types in all of the Wild, Wiled West!
So put on your best literary party duds, whether Baudelairian finery or spoken word funkitude, and join us:
Thursday, 03 December 2009 at 7pm
Gudrun Wine and Cheese Bistro
150-3500 Moncton Street
Steveston, BC
Yes, it’s bus-accessable!
By the way, the super-sexy book I’m reading is a special calf-bound book of whiskies of the world, specially borrowed from the bartender for the occasion. I had a couple of Vanity Fairs in my bag, but they weren’t quite as posh and retro-looking as that book. Also, I highly recommend posing for calendars: the drinks are free!
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The Shebeen Club 